No One Ever Said Happily Ever After Would Be Easy
by Mattiewilda
Summary: Cory and Topanga revisit the darkest times in their marriage after their daughter makes a startling discovery while working on a school project. (Takes place during GMW, but covers the time between BMW and GMW. I will move it if necessary.)
1. Chapter 1

_If you're one of my regular readers let me say right off the bat, this is not an Angela/Eric story. ...Hello? Are you recovered from the shock yet? Do I need to call one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up!" hotlines?" **I know!** It threw me for a loop, too. This one is Cory/Topanga, although the non-perfect Cory/Topanga, something else I enjoy exploring._

 _If you're one of my regular readers you're also probably asking yourself why on earth I'm adding yet another story to my plate. The only answer I have is that it would not leave my brain until it was written and was getting in the way of my other stories._

 _Now, onto this. This story idea came to me when I was riding the L (Chicago train) home from work and found myself sitting with a mother and her 2 daughters and the girls were battling over an iPad. One wanted to watch Mickey Mouse and the other wanted to finish her episode of **Girl Meets World**. During the struggle the headphones came out and I heard a few lines of Cory's about the students finding their family histories. (Yes, I'm that easily inspired apparently.) After the girls were settled mom and I talked all things BMW for the rest of the ride._

 _This is another one of those stories where I really don't know if it belongs in the **Boy Meets World** section or on the **Girl Meets World** side. As I said in the summary, while it happens during the GMW timeline, the crux of the story covers the gray area between the two shows. I also feel really weird posting anything on the GMW side considering my dislike for the show is no secret, lol. But if I have to move it, let me know. The first half of this chapter is mostly Riley and Maya, but the rest is very Cory/Topanga heavy. The premise might seem a little challenging at first, but I hope you'll trust me with it and at least wait to see where it leads. As anyone who has read my stuff knows, I try to be real with everything I write.  
_

 _There will be one more part to this. (My readers are also probably shaking there heads and saying, "yeah, right, more like 3 or 4." But nope, just one. It's written, just undergoing final editing.)_

 _I hope you enjoy. It's been so long since I've written anything not focused on Angela and/or Eric and I feel more than a little rusty. :-)  
_

* * *

"It's so stupid. Who gives an assignment to learn about your family history, then when you ask about the past, you're told to figure it out for yourself?"

Riley Matthews shook her head and moved a bag of summer clothes out of the way, trying to get to the box in the back of her parents' closet where she knew her mother kept old family photos. Maybe she'd find a clue in there, something to help her assignment besides, 'we're from Philadelphia and are Americans.' There had to be more to her family than that. She couldn't walk into class with a cheesesteak and cream cheese. "Who knows what my dad's logic is sometimes? Maybe it's a test and I'm supposed to figure out the answers for myself."

"While the rest of the class is allowed to ask our families for help, you know, assuming families are around to help, you're not supposed to?"

"It's my dad. What do you want? And I thought your grandma told you a lot about your family."

She shrugged. "Some, but her mind is not all there anymore. I don't know what's true and what's her crazy ramblings." Maya didn't want to think about her great-grandmother's declining health- she was the most consistent adult figure she had aside from Riley's parents- but it was getting harder to ignore.

"What about your mom?" A snort was her response. "Sorry. Stupid question." She finally hit the back of the closet. "Ah-ha! Here it is. If any interesting Matthews and Lawrence family history exists, it will be in this box." Riley tried to drag it closer. "This is heavy. Help me, Maya."

A little while later the girls were elbow deep in pictures. "There are a lot of you and your dad when you were really little. Where were you guys?"

She leaned over and looked at the photograph. "In this one we're at grandma and grandpa's house in Philly. See the mantle in the background? I'm not sure about that second one. That room isn't familiar."

"There are almost none of you and your mom when you're this age. I mean, there's the happy family shots right after you're born and still a teeny, tiny baby, but not when you're a little older. Then it's just you and your dad. She's not completely vanished, but still." Maya picked up another stack. "Huh. Your mom shows up in a lot more pictures again when you're around…three? Four? I think."

"She was probably behind the camera."

"Yeah, that makes sense." She made her way through another stack. "Geez, are there any images of you Matthews' that don't look like they should be slapped onto a Hallmark card? It's sickening!"

Riley scrunched up her face. "Well, I don't think Hallmark will want this one of Uncle Eric mooning Mount Rushmore." She flipped the picture over and recognized her dad's handwriting. _Summer Road Trip '96: My brother is an idiot and thought the presidents should know._

"Ew. Now, if it was Josh-"

"That's my uncle, too, so it's still an ew. Maya, give it up. It is never gonna happen. He's in college and you're not even in high school yet."

"Way to be a Debbie Downer!" She continued to dig through the box. "I don't have much in my life. Let me have a little something to cling to."

"Can't it be something more realistic and not on my family tree?"

"Ooh, ooh, ooh," Maya, interrupted. "Look what I found."

"What?"

She held up a blank manila envelope that was so stuffed it didn't look like it could handle even one sheet of tissue paper being added to it without bursting. "Everything else in the box is loose. What could be so important that they'd stick it in an envelope?"

"Insurance papers, birth certificates," Riley suggested. "Tax forms?"

"You're probably right. I love your parents, but they are the most boring people on the face of the earth." She undid the metal clasp and opened it. "But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to double check, right?"

"I don't know."

"Please. If they really didn't want anyone seeing this they would've sealed it, not just bent down those lame metal pieces."

"Yeah, but it was at the bottom of a box in the back of their closet."

"You had no problems going through that box a few minutes ago." She took out a few papers and began to flip through. "Besides, what are the odds we're going to stumble upon some deep, dark family secr…" Maya shoved the papers back into the envelope and tried to put it back in to the box. "Call your grandparents. I'm sure they have stories to tell."

"What? What is it?"

"Riley, trust me. You don't want to know. And obviously things worked out in the end, right?"

"You're scaring me."

"No, I'm trying to protect you."

"I'm sick of people trying to protect me." She wrenched the envelope from her best friend's grasp and removed the papers on top. She read the words in bolded font across the top of the page. Then she read them again. And again because it seemed her reading comprehension skills had gone out the window. "This is a separation agreement."

"I noticed."

"But that doesn't make sense. When did this happen? My parents are the happiest people I've ever seen! You said it yourself: it's sickening. They're like Disneyworld hopped up on steroids."

"Apparently they have a haunted house and hall of mirrors you never knew about." She took the papers back. "Whoa your dad filed? No offense, but I would've put money on your mom being the one."

"What?! Where does it say that?"

"It says right here the plaintiff is Cory A. Matthews. I've seen enough episodes of _Judge Judy_ and _Law & Order_ to know what that means. Oh, wow, check out the date: Friday, October 11th, 2002."

"I was just a baby," she whispered, "not even one."

"That explains why you don't remember this."

"What else is in there?"

Maya dug through and tried to make sense of all the documents. "I'm no legal wizard, but it looks like more papers about separation and divorce and a bunch of custody papers."

"Custody? For me?"

"No, for the couch and blender," the blonde deadpanned. "I'm sure they would've hated to separate them."

"Maya!"

"Sorry, trying to bring a little humor."

"Not the time." She took a deep breath. "So?"

She scanned the document, trying her best to understand the words on the page. "If I'm reading this right, and that's a big if, it says they shared joint legal custody but your dad was given physical custody."

Maybe that was why there weren't many pictures of her with her mother in her early years. "What about mom?"

"It just says open-ended visitation, with a note from the judge that suggests a flexible visitation schedule be arranged once you and your dad were moved back and settled in Philadelphia."

"Philadelphia? We weren't even going to be in New York anymore?"

"Not according to this." Maya felt like she was going to be sick. Riley in Philadelphia? They never would've met. Never would've become best friends, never…nothing. Her life would be completely different.

Riley stared at her best friend, the image of her blurry through tears. "My parents got divorced? B-but they're my parents. They have the perfect love story. They have the perfect everything. _They_ are perfect."

"They obviously didn't split up, right? I mean, they're still together." This had rattled her, too. She couldn't imagine Mr. and Mrs. Matthews not together. Their home was her safe haven. However Riley was already too far gone for her to lose it, too. "Or back together. They worked something out."

" _Girls, we're home! And we brought dinner!"_

"Be right there," Maya shouted in return. "Come on, we have to put this stuff away."

"But-"

"Do you want them to know we saw this?"

That seemed to snap Riley out of her trance and she began stuffing pictures back into the box while Maya took care of the contents of the envelope. She thought they were in the clear until she heard her mother's voice from down the hall.

"Riley, Maya, let's go. It's dinnertime. Wash your hands and you can listen to Auggie tell you all about his soccer-" Topanga stopped cold when she saw the girls sitting on the floor in hers' and Cory's room. She had been on her way to Riley's room where she assumed the girls were. The closet door was opened and its contents were spread about. "What are you doing in here? You know better than to go through our things."

"I was just looking for pictures for my family history project."

"Then you ask me and I will get them for you." She spied the box that sat open between the girls and immediately noticed the large manila envelope resting atop the photographs. That wasn't where it belonged. She kept that at the bottom. "Did you look in that envelope?"

"What envelope?"

"That one right there."

"Oh, _this_ envelope? You didn't say this one. You should've been more specific."

"Stop it with that teen double talk and answer the question. Did you look inside?" She crossed her arms and stared at the girls, but found they could no longer meet her eyes. Riley looked about ready to cry. Granted, she suddenly felt that way herself. "Cory!"

Moments later he appeared in the door. "Yes, darling? And don't worry. I already sent Auggie to change his clothes and wash up." He may not be the smartest guy in the world, but between his wife's rigid body language and the looks on Riley's and Maya's faces even college Eric would've been able to figure out that something was up. "What did you girls break?"

"The envelope, Cory."

"How the heck to you break an envelope?"

Topanga let out an exasperated sigh and gestured towards the box. "Cory!"

He followed where she was pointing and suddenly understood what she was talking about. Without saying a word he walked over and retrieved the manila envelope and went back into the hall, pulling Topanga along with him. "What do we do now," he whispered.

"I don't know." She pushed him into their daughter's room since she knew that was empty and out of the girls' earshot.

He closed the door. "Do you think Riley saw what was inside?"

"Didn't you see the look on her face? Of course she did." Topanga covered her eyes and took a few deep breaths.

Cory wrapped his arms around her and held her close. "We will just sit her down and-and…and we'll explain that it's a grown up thing she's too young to know about. But we'll tell her later, maybe when she's eighteen."

"Be realistic. We can't just shove this back into the closet for another five years!"

"But she's not ready to know about this." He walked away from Topanga and picked up a teddy bear from the bed. "She's just a little girl."

"No, she's not, Cory."

"This is too big for her. She won't understand."

"We have to give her a chance!" If there was one thing that bothered her about her husband, it was his insistence at treating Riley like a five year old. Though how mad could Topanga get when she often fell into this trap as well? "She's becoming a young woman and the more we deny that the worse off Riley will be. Treating her like a child is not doing her any favors. It's only going to make life more difficult for her in the long run."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, never mind."

"I can't believe you _want_ to tell her." Cory had hoped to be long dead and buried before this ever saw the light of day. It was a dark time in their lives and though he learned a great deal from it, he hated to revisit it. It was the kind of thing that happened to other people, not him and Topanga.

"It's not that I want to, but I think it's the only responsible thing to do now that it's out there. It's better than leaving her with a million and one questions and telling her that we'll get back to her in five years." She took a seat at the edge of the bed. "I only hope she doesn't hate me."

"No, she won't. I won't let her."

/

A while later, after dinner was eaten, Auggie sent to bed, and Maya made to go home after much protest, Riley was in the living room with her parents. She chose to sit in a chair while they were on the couch. The manila envelope lay unopened on the coffee table. The silence was heavy and seemed to stretch on forever. Finally, however, Topanga worked up the nerve to speak. "You must have so many questions."

Riley kept her head down, choosing to stare at her hands, which rested in her lap.

She took a deep breath and kept speaking when it became clear her daughter wasn't up to talking just yet. A rarity if there ever was one. "First, I want to make clear that dad and I love you very much and anything that happened during this point in our lives was us trying to figure out what was best for you. You were always our first priority." Topanga looked to her husband to chime in. She knew he didn't want to be having this discussion, but since it was happening, they both needed to be having it with Riley. She elbowed him in the ribs. "Right, Cory?"

"Ow! Not so hard." He rubbed his side. "Mom's right, Riley. Everything that went on back then, everything that goes on now, we do in the best interest of you and your brother."

"Having a baby," Topanga continued, "it's stressful under the very best of circumstances. I found out I was pregnant with you near the end of our junior year in college. Dad and I were working fulltime jobs to make ends meet. That's not so unusual, but we were also both in school fulltime as well. Even when it was just the two of us it was rough."

"I know." Riley hesitated before asking her question. "Were you happy when you found out?"

"Yes, we were," she answered honestly. "It was quite a bit sooner than we planned on having kids, but yes, we were thrilled."

"I had to breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes," Cory admitted, "but once the lightheadedness passed I was excited."

"I started making plans right away. We couldn't afford to move before you were born, so I had to figure out how to be practical yet get everything we would need for you to fit into the tiny studio apartment we had at the time."

"It looked like a rat maze with all the baby stuff added," he interjected. "I thought my shins were going to be permanently bruised from banging into everything."

"You weren't due until December twenty-ninth and I took classes in the summer and worked my butt off in the fall semester so I could graduate early and have some time to relax before you were born. Then the plan was to be home with you until I started law school. Of course you decided to show up three weeks early and put a kink into the first part of my perfect little plan," she noted with a smile. She had been a wreck when she had to leave her three day old baby to take her remaining finals. But if she didn't take them she wouldn't graduate early and that wasn't going to happen. She'd worked too hard. A few days later Topanga walked across the stage in cap and gown with her eight day old daughter in attendance.

"I've heard all this a million times already," the teen interrupted. "It doesn't explain how you ended up with divorce and custody papers."

"Maybe not, but it's the start of a very complicated journey. The first couple of years after you were born were extremely trying on our marriage and family."

"The good news is, even though it was painful at the time, it has a happy ending."

Riley leaned forward and took the envelope from the table and removed all of the papers. She flipped through until she found the ones she was looking for. "What happened October 11th, 2002, dad? What made you file for separation?"

Cory sighed and ran his hands over his face. "There were a lot of things that led up to that. Our problems started showing themselves about months earlier."

"What kind of problems?"

"Mom was home with you, but I was still working full time and finishing up my last semester of college. It didn't leave a lot of room for happy family bonding moments."

"I loved you and I treasured all the moments we had together, but I started to resent your dad and the fact that he got to leave the apartment and socialize with people who could talk back and carry a conversation. I was someone who was used to having something to do, someplace to go…just something. Staying home all day and taking care of a baby was so out of my element.

"I had grown to thrive on schedules and routines and you didn't come preprogrammed to understand that." She tried to go back to the laid back "hippie-like" qualities that made up her childhood, but she'd stopped that way of thinking long before the baby came along. "It also didn't help that the household chores seemed to fall to me as well."

Cory jumped in to defend himself. "You were home and I was at work and school and I tried, but-"

She held up her hand to halt her husband before turning to smile at their daughter. "As you can see, some debate remains."

/

"Come on, Topanga! You said yesterday you'd take care of the laundry. I have to meet with the financial aid counselor today about when to start paying back the loans. I really don't want to do it with baby spit-up down my shoulder."

"You know the way to the laundromat," she quipped, fastening the tape on Riley's diaper.

"Right, because I had a ton of time to do laundry."

Topanga smiled and stuck her tongue out at the baby before putting her on a play mat with a few toys. Little Riley could roll from her stomach to her back, but that was all so far, something her mother was grateful for. That meant she couldn't get far. Topanga's expression changed the moment she faced her husband. "It's open twenty-four hours a day."

"I left before seven and didn't get home until after eleven last night."

"So because you're at work and at school that eliminates you from household responsibilities? You think because I'm home with Riley that it all falls on me? That's so sexist!"

"That's not what I'm saying and you know it. But you're the one with more time to-"

"Time? Time for what? Tell me, Cory, where is all this magical time you think I have? Because by the time I gather the laundry, get Riley fed and dressed, get myself fed and dressed, and ready to walk out the door suddenly Riley needs to be changed or is hungry again or starts crying for no reason discernable to me! That is why the laundry hasn't gotten done or the dishes washed and also why I asked you to take out the garbage when you left yesterday so I didn't have to go down to the basement."

He spied the full bag of trash sitting next to the can. "I'm sorry. I'll take it down today. But what do I do about a shirt right now?"

She growled at him and wrenched the blue polo from his hands before stalking over to the sink. She shoved the dishes aside and doused the garment in their orange scented dish soap before sticking it under the faucet, completely soaking it. A minute or two later Topanga handed it back to him, still dripping wet. "There…it's clean. Hopefully it meets your standards, your highness."

Cory didn't know what to say. Even if he wanted to say something…the words simply weren't there. He watched wordlessly as Topanga scooped Riley up from the floor and went over to their bed, being sure to arrange the screens that separated the area from the rest of their studio so she couldn't see him.

/

"Basically, we were overworked, overtired, and had no one to take it out on but each other. At least that's how it started." There were also the added pressures of being away from family and friends. They came to visit and help when they could, but their lives couldn't stop just because Cory and Topanga had a baby.

"Isn't that normal? I don't know anything about babies, but that's how it seems. A baby makes parents tired."

"Yes, and that was part of the problem. It was naïve, but we had always believed ourselves to be superior to other couples."

"We are," Cory stated with confidence.

"But that doesn't exempt us from the normal struggles that every other couple goes through." Topanga tried to figure out the best way to phrase her next thoughts. "We were young and stupid and thought it did."

"We were never stupid!"

"Yes, we were, Cory. We were just as stupid as every other couple starting out with an idealized view of themselves and the world. We hadn't lived yet no matter much we thought we had. We knew nothing. So when the real, yet normal stuff came at us we were caught off guard and didn't know how to handle it."

"Fine, but you can't call everything that happened normal, Topanga."

Riley wrinkled her brow. "What does that mean?"

"Well…not many people enroll in law school a full semester before it was planned on and failed to tell their spouses until a week before they were going to start classes."

"Mom?"

Her eyes wandered to a photo of her, Cory, and Riley taken after her graduation from law school. She graduated with honors…naturally. They had been on friendly terms, though not romantically reunited. They had been very much in the wait and see stage at that point. She was proud of how far they had come since then but she was still painfully aware how close they came to losing everything.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hope you didn't think I forgot about this. I'm just trying to keep an alternating update schedule for my stories. Still, I apologize for the delay._

 _It turns out I am just a little bit of a liar. I said (swore, promised!) there would only be one more part to this story. It turns out the second part turned out to be a little longer than I realized so I split it into two chapters. However, I am posting them both at the same time so there is no further delay for the conclusion to this little tale._

 _Again, this is a bit different for Cory and Topanga, but I do enjoy exploring their less than perfect facades. Hopefully I did them justice. It has been a long time since I worked on a story that was not focused on Angela and/or Eric._

 _Thank you for the feedback and your patience. :-)_

* * *

"Mom, why did you start school early?" Riley felt like she had been given a little bit of insight into her parents' relationship, but she still didn't understand what caused their separation. "And, dad was it really that bad that it almost led to a divorce?"

"Honey, if you're looking for one grand defining moment that led to things blowing up in our faces that's not going to happen. It wasn't one singular event. There were a lot of little moments that, when added all together-"

"Ka-blooey," Cory offered, using his hands to mimic an explosion.

Topanga rolled her eyes at her husband's typical lack of subtlety, but agreed. "Yes, ka-blooey."

"Law school was one of the first bigger moments though," he said.

"No, no law school was a symptom of the bigger issues that we were ignoring. We both ignored what was happening, Cory, not just me."

He reached out and squeezed her hand in an apology. "You're right, I'm sorry."

It was strange for Riley to see her parents having even the most minor of disagreements. She didn't like it. Other kids' parents had arguments. Not hers'. "Can we get back to the law school part now?"

Topanga nodded and took a deep breath. "We agreed that I would begin law school in the fall and you would start daycare. Instead I signed myself up to begin in the summer." She wasn't proud of some of her choices back then. A lot of mistakes had been made and she hurt the people she loved the most. But she hadn't been thinking rationally. She wasn't concerned with future plans. All Topanga could think about was what would help her feel more like herself in the moment. "When I jumped the gun it not only put us in a bind with childcare, but it completely upset our summer plans that included trips to Philadelphia and Pittsburgh to visit family.

"You have to understand I was feeling very isolated and alone with you as my only company. And you were going through a period of almost non-stop crying. Nothing I did seemed to make you happy." She blinked back tears. "It was so hard because being a mom was something I always wanted and just assumed I would be natural at. But nothing felt natural. It was hard all of the time." She picked at a loose thread on her pajama top. "I wasn't used to feeling that way. Everything had always come to me so easily. I felt like a failure as a mother.

"Things weren't any better between dad and me. We were so stressed out and tired and always fighting. He was still working and finishing up his final year at school, so we never saw each other. It wasn't how I envisioned our first months as parents. It was supposed to be perfect and magical and even when things went wrong it still would be fine because we would have each other to laugh with and keep our spirits up." She picked up an old photograph taken when Riley was just a few weeks old at her first Christmas. She and Cory had been tired, but still basking in that new parent euphoria. "We argued about whose turn it was to change you, about who was supposed to wash the dishes, or do the laundry and shopping…you name it and we fought over it."

Riley shifted around in her chair. It was hard not to take what she was hearing personally. Apparently her parents' marriage was great until she came along and though they somehow worked it out, things weren't easy. She hadn't forgotten that her mere existence had been enough to chase Shawn out of the city. Yes, he promised after his Christmas visit to be around more, but so far that had mostly amounted to some extra emails and a souvenir or two from his travels. He promised a lunch in the near future, but Riley wasn't exactly holding out much hope there. It was starting to sound like everyone would've been better off if she never existed. "It sounds scary. I can't imagine you guys fighting like that."

"It was scary for us, too," Cory agreed. "It was as if we had lost our ability to communicate. We were no longer speaking the same language. And, to be honest, we were kind of in denial about it. Like mom said earlier, we didn't think this kind of stuff was supposed to happen to us." Even now he almost winced at the memory of the verbal beat down his dad gave him when he complained about how hard things were and how unfair it was that he had to shop or do laundry after getting home late from work or school. He, essentially, told him to man up, help Topanga with the baby and household responsibilities, and do his part. He was the one who decided he was a grown up and ready for marriage and a baby and to live far away from home. Cory only wished they'd had that conversation a few months earlier. Maybe they all would've been spared a lot of heartache. "We turned a blind eye and ignored all kinds of warning bells that were going off."

"But if you two were fighting when you normally don't isn't that sort of a hard clue to miss that things weren't right?"

"You'd think so, but, honey, it's hard to see what's normal bickering and what are signs of real trouble when you're in the midst of it."

"I put so much pressure on myself," Topanga stated. "I had to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, career woman, and law student. You name it and I had to prove I could do it better than anyone. I finished my finals when you were three days old and attended graduation when you were eight days old. Do you realize how crazy that is? It's the definition of insanity. I could've taken a leave of absence, completed my remaining finals in the spring, and graduated with dad, but my pride wouldn't let me. I thought it would mean admitting weakness or caving to some societal notion that I was incapable of having it all." She shook her head. "No one could've lived up to that kind of pressure. I was drowning and didn't know how to ask for help. I was bound to crack eventually and it happened at the grocery store."

"…What?"

"In fact, it all happened over a loaf of bread."

"Bread? As in regular sandwich making, toast eating bread?"

"I know it sounds ridiculous, even now it sounds crazy to me, but bread was my breaking point." She leaned back and rested her head against the couch, closing her eyes as details of that morning came back to her in little bits and pieces. Riley was teething and not sleeping through the night, meaning they were both severely sleep-deprived. She heard women talk about how, when they were pregnant and new moms, they felt stupid and like they were losing their minds, how it felt as though the baby sucked out their brain cells. Topanga had always sworn that would never happen to her and figured it came down to lack of organization on their parts. And who was more organized than she was? Those other women just needed to figure out how to balance things. Heck, once she proved it could be done she'd even write a book to help other mothers have it all. Looking back, she was practically asking for a karmic kick in the behind. "We were at the grocery store," she continued. "Dad claimed he was too tired to go after work the night before, so once again it fell on me to-"

"I was working a lot of double shifts back then. I _was_ tired."

"-I forgot the list at home and was trying to remember what was on it and stick to our tight budget. I got milk, eggs, lunchmeat, paper towels, toilet paper, a candy bar for myself as a reward for surviving the trip, and…"

"And the bread," Riley asked.

"No, you see, that was what was missing. I stood there for the longest time staring at the cart. I knew I was forgetting something. Heck, I even knew it involved sandwiches, but I couldn't remember bread. And when I say I couldn't remember bread, I literally mean the _word_ bread. If my life had depended on it in that moment I wouldn't have been able to tell you what it was called."

"You forgot the word for bread?"

She nodded. "I don't know how long I stood there. An employee came to ask me if I needed help. I burst into tears because yes, I did need help, but I did not know the word for what I was looking for. Eventually I remembered bread and- after likely scarring the poor stock boy for life and putting him off of ever getting married and having kids- you and I were on our way."

"Okay, I'm still not seeing how you went from bread to law school."

"After we left the store we were walking home and I noticed that you were quiet. You were never quiet. So I decided to take advantage of it. The school wasn't far away and I didn't think it would hurt to take a detour and look around, maybe see if they had any new brochures." She cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter. "Once I got there I was filled with this sense of peace. I felt like I belonged. It had been a long time since I felt that way. For months my life wasn't my own and I had been spinning out of control as a wife, a mother…everything. I just wanted to go someplace where things made sense. And for me that place had always been the classroom. I'm good in a classroom."

"The best," Cory added with a smile.

"There were a lot of people there that day," she explained. "They were doing pre-enrollment for the fall semester and final enrollment for the summer. I only intended to get information on pre-enrollment and learn about financial aid options for whatever my scholarship wouldn't cover, but…"

/

/

"I cannot wait for this week to be over," Cory declared as he entered the studio apartment. "I thought things would be less stressful once I graduated, but it almost seems worse. But at least by this time next week we will be home in Philadelphia." He dropped his bag on the chair and crouched down in front of Riley's swing. "Hi, did you and mommy have a good day today?" She cooed at him, but continued to gnaw on her teething toy. He rubbed her head. "Nice talking to you, too. We'll have to try this again sometime." He looked across the apartment and saw Topanga sitting at the kitchen counter. He came up behind her and kissed her cheek. "Sorry," he apologized when she jumped. "I thought you heard me."

"Huh? Oh, I did. Sorry." She closed her folder and pushed her papers to the side. "How was your day?"

"Long. Mr. Brennan keeps asking me what my plans are now that I've graduated. Do I want to be brought on full time? Am I going to be looking for a new job or a second job?"

"I thought you liked working for Mr. Brennan."

"I do, but do I really want to stay at my college job just because I like it? What about the future? My goal is to do finances for a professional sports team. I know I have to pay my dues, but is doing the books for a chain of sporting goods stores really the best way to-"

"I think it's okay to be a little selfish and stay where you're happy right now," she interjected, attempting to soften the blow she was about to deliver. "I'll support you."

"-I just wish it didn't feel like barely one step above working for my dad," he continued, not even registering her comments.

"I'm sure you wouldn't deny me the opportunity to do something that made me happy, right?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever you want." He went over to the fridge. "Did you get a chance to go to the store today?"

"Not yet. I got distracted."

He sighed. "Okay. Cereal for dinner again." He reached for the milk and pulled out an empty carton. "Dry cereal."

"I'll go in a little while and you can watch Riley."

"I can't wait until our vacation starts next week. It's been so long since we've been able to relax. With all the grandparents and extra hands ready to take Riley, just think of all the sleep we can catch up on. Well, sleep and other things," he added with a smile.

"Cory, we have to talk."

"Uh-oh, what did I do?"

"You? Nothing. This is about me."

"Is something wrong?"

"That sort of depends on you."

"So I _did_ do something?"

She ran her hands through her hair, exasperated. "Damn it, Cory…"

"What is it?"

"First promise me you won't be mad."

"Oh, I hate when conversations start like this."

"I'm going to law school." There were many ways Topanga expected him to react, but laughing was not one of them. "Did you hear me?"

"Yes, I heard you. And I know you're going to law school, silly. That's the plan. Why are you freaking out about something that's more than three months away?"

"Because I'm not starting in three months, I start Monday."

"I'm sorry, say that again."

"I enrolled a few weeks ago and my first day is Monday."

"Wha… Mond…but how…why did…" He paced back and forth across the kitchen. "Riley doesn't have a spot in a daycare yet."

"I know."

"We're still waiting to hear back from like three places."

"I know that, but the school has a daycare. They'll have an opening in September when one of the babies ages out and goes into the toddler room."

"What do we do until September?"

She was unable to meet his eyes. "I don't know."

"You don't know?! You did this spur of the moment and you don't have a backup plan for childcare for our daughter?"

"Why is it all on me? What was _your_ plan?"

"My plan was for September!" Out of the corner of his eye Cory saw Riley jump when he raised his voice. He took a deep breath and made a concentrated effort to stay calm. "Okay, what about the money part? Your scholarship didn't cover everything, did it?"

"No, and since I enrolled at the last minute there wasn't time to look into further scholarship opportunities so I had to take out a couple loans."

"We're already up to our eyeballs in student loans." He covered his face with his hands. "Topanga, do you know how crazy this is? How reckless?"

"I'm sorry."

"What was so important that you couldn't wait a few more months? Law school is already such a big commitment. It's going to take up so much of the next three years."

"Two years actually."

"What are you talking about? I thought it was three years."

"Typically, yes, but they're offering an accelerated program that gives you the option of completing it in two years. That's what I signed up for."

"Let me get this straight, not only did you sign up ahead of schedule when we don't have a plan for daycare, you took out more student loans, and you're determined to fit three years' worth of work into two? And this is all in addition to being a wife and mother and having some sort of a life?"

"I can do it, Cory. I know that I can." She reached for his hand, but he pulled away. "I'm sorry I upset our plans, but-"

"Upset them? You tossed them out the window and didn't even talk to me first."

"I'm sorry. But I had to do this."

"Why?"

Topanga's gaze wandered across the apartment to Riley in her swing. The little toothless grin would normally melt her heart, but today it made her want to cry. "I feel like I'm losing who I am. I love Riley so much, but it's hard. Every moment of my day is about her. I love being a mom but I'm starting to feel like that's all I am. I'm not Topanga anymore. People don't see her. They see Riley's mommy and only Riley's mommy." She let out a shaking breath. "I'm sorry, but I can't wait any longer. I miss me…the old me. I have to get Topanga back while she's still in here."

In the back of his mind Cory wondered if this was a cry for help, but he was too angry at the moment. "What am I supposed to tell my parents? Or yours'? We were supposed to go down to see them next week."

"Tell them whatever you want. Tell them you married a selfish bitch who put her needs first."

"Topanga, wait-" He watched her grab her purse and go for the door. "Where are you going?"

"Grocery shopping still falls under my list of responsibilities does it not?"

/

/

"Wow," Riley mutter, "what happened next?"

"I took you down for our summer vacation without mom."

"Really?"

"At the time we thought a little space would do us some good."

"What did the grandparents say?"

"They tried to be supportive and said they would always be there to listen, but that we were the only ones who could fix our problems. They would also not be willing to act as free daycare for you for the entire summer. Every once in a while, sure, but-"

Riley made a face. "Seriously?"

"It wasn't about you, sweetie. And if we were really in a bind or if there was an emergency they'd take you in an instant, but they were trying to teach us to be responsible parents. Grandma and grandpa fixing everything would've only been a short term solution." Cory shook his head, still marveling at how, more often than not, his dad's tough love approach seemed to be the right call. "I didn't see it at the time, but they were right."

"How was it when we got back home?"

Cory and Topanga looked at each other, neither of them particular proud of this point in their lives. "It was rough."

"Within weeks mom was thriving at school, just like I knew she would. Honestly, it was like she had never spent a day out of the classroom. One the one hand I was really proud because I knew how much it meant to her, but I started to resent her for the bind she put us in. And well…you can't half ass law school, so she was busy all the time. Uncle Eric was still living in the city and he would watch you a couple days a week and I would take you to the store with me the other days."

"The store? What are you talking about? You're a teacher, dad."

"I'm a teacher now, but I didn't used to be. I didn't grow up wanting to be like Mr. Feeny. When I first graduated I did accounting and payroll for a chain of sporting goods stores and hoped to one day find a way into a professional sports organization. You always hear them talking about salary caps on the news? I wanted to be the guy who handled things like that." He let out a self-deprecating chuckle. "I was never going to live out my dream of playing center field for the Phillies, so I figured that was as close as I could get to the sports world."

"Then when did you become a teacher?"

"I'll get to that in a little bit." He dug through a stack of photos until he came across the one he was looking for: baby Riley in a bouncy chair at his feet while he worked at his desk. "See, here you are at work with daddy."

"Who knew it was only the beginning," she joked, making him smile. "Oh, are these more at your office?"

"Yep, that's the 'Riley station' I set up for you."

Topanga was silent, almost awkwardly so as they looked over the pictures. She was relieved Riley was feeling more comfortable and relaxed about this conversation, but she felt like the odd person out. To be honest it wasn't uncommon for her to feel that way where Riley and Cory were concerned. He just seemed to be able to connect with their daughter on a level she wasn't able to reach. Riley was so much her father's daughter and while Topanga sometimes saw bits of herself in the teen she wondered if the separation during her early years had stilted their ability to truly bond.

"Mom?"

"Honey," he called out when Topanga didn't answer, placing a hand on her knee when she startled. "Sorry."

"That's okay. I-I must have spaced out for a minute. Where were we?"

"Riley asked you about school."

"Being in a classroom felt like being home. I knew what I was doing and things made sense to me. I felt smart. I felt like my old self."

"Oh." The teen tried not to feel rejected. "So you were happy?"

"I don't know if I'd go that far. I think it was more that I had an escape from the problems and chaos that were happening at home instead of being in the middle of it every day. If things got too overwhelming between me and dad, well…I was never lacking for homework."

"And I think I started to resent mom the same way she resented me when I was working and going to school and she was home with you all day, every day. I suddenly understood why she hated that the first question out of my mouth when I got home would be if she went to the store or did the laundry. I thought things would settle down once we had you in daycare, but…" He shook his head. "Like I said earlier, we weren't even speaking the same language anymore."

"And so you guys separated?"

"I had a long talk with grandpa about it first."

/

/

"I don't know what to do dad. Nothing is going how I expected it to."

"That's marriage, Cory," Alan replied. At the same time he bounced his granddaughter on his knee and made funny faces at her. "That's life. Things aren't always going to be easy."

"I know that. I wasn't expecting easy, but we're supposed to be happy _sometimes_ , right?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's like we're living on different planets. I'm working. She's at school. When we're home it's all about the baby. If we do have a minute or two to ourselves instead of enjoying it we end up arguing about dishes or money or…I don't know, everything else." He leaned over and put his head in his hands. "We're miserable, dad. Both of us, we're miserable."

Alan sat Riley down in his lap and gave her a toy to keep her occupied. "It's really that bad?"

"I haven't been coming back home almost every weekend just because I miss mom's cooking. Most days I'd rather be here than in New York lately."

He was quiet for several long moments before responding. He wanted to be sure he was reading the situation correctly and that Cory wasn't just being overdramatic, but the longer he studied his son he could tell this was serious. "You know that you can always come home. You and Riley have a place here until you get on your feet."

"What are you talking about?"

"If things between you and Topanga don't-"

"Dad, I'm not leaving my wife!"

"You'd rather be miserable?"

"It beats breaking up."

"Is that what you really think?"

Cory blinked furiously, fighting back the tears that stung his eyes. "I love Topanga."

"I know."

"I'm always going to love her."

"Yes, you will."

"You told me that when I married Topanga I wasn't a kid anymore. You said the day she became my wife that she had to be more important to me than anyone else."

"I did."

"So why are you talking about breaking up now?"

He placed Riley in her father's arms. "You and Topanga now have someone who has to be more important than either one of you. You have to do right by her. She comes first now."

"I don't want her to have a broken home."

"I'm not telling you to end your marriage. Go home. Talk to Topanga and figure things out from there. But make sure you're doing things for the right reasons. Staying married just for the kid or because you're afraid of divorce does no one any good."

He looked down at Riley and melted when she smiled up at him. It was the first time she's smiled in a while. He'd love to believe she was oblivious to his and Topanga's issues, but he knew she picked up on their tension. She cried whenever they fought, meaning she cried a lot lately. The thought of putting this little angel through years of more fights and tears was unbearable. "I always thought marriage was forever no matter what. How is it that Riley is making me question that?"

/

/

"…and you stayed in Philadelphia for a few days while mom and I tried to figure things out."

"I don't think we slept at all," Topanga said, picking up the thread of conversation. "We yelled, we cried, we bargained. But in the end we realized we were going around in circles. We weren't happy and we both knew it. Neither of us was sure about throwing in the towel for good or just taking a little break, but we decided separating would be the best thing for you. We wanted you to be happy and that wouldn't happen until we were in a good place with each other."

"Going to officially file for separation was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do."

"Getting those papers wasn't easy either."

"Didn't you know it was coming," Riley asked her mother.

"Not really. Our communication skills were lacking at this point and I thought when we agreed to a separation period that it was going to be a trial, done just between us. I didn't expect dad to get legal on me."

"I had never been through that before," he said in his defense. "I thought that was what you did. I thought because there was a child involved that everything had to be legal and through the courts. I already felt like a failure at marriage, I didn't want to fail divorce."

"Still, I was completely blindsided and felt like I was being attacked for my ability- or lack of ability- as a wife and mother."

"What did you do?"

"I signed the papers," Topanga said simply.

"That's it?"

"You have to understand, even in the past when I had my doubts or wasn't sure about our relationship, dad never wavered. He was always so sure we would make it no matter what life threw at us." She took a shaky breath. "When I saw those papers, in my mind it was like he was giving up. And if he was giving up…." She used her sleeves to wipe away the few tears she allowed to fall. "…I felt defeated."

Cory took Topanga's hand and held it tight. "It wasn't that I gave up, but I was confused, angry, hurt, upset…just I didn't know what to do. I was trying my best."

Suddenly, Riley was hoping for this conversation to end sooner rather than later. "And how did you decide who I lived with?"

"Well, law school kept me insanely busy, especially the accelerated program. I could've cut back and switched to the typical three years, but by that point school was the only thing in my life that made sense. I agreed, simply because of my schedule, that it would make more sense for you to stay with dad in the beginning."

"But you saw mom almost every weekend," he was quick to point out. "And she called you on the phone every night- even before you could talk back."

"Why did we go back to Philadelphia? Why not stay in New York?"

"New York wasn't home to me yet. I moved here for mom and when it looked like we weren't going to end up together I needed to go home to try and make sense of things. And back then Philadelphia was home. We lived with grandma and grandpa for a little bit." No one was more surprised than Cory when his dad extended the invitation to come back home. But it was different than when he tried to move back right after getting married. At that point he'd been trying to take the easy way out. When he came home with Riley in tow he was trying to rebuild his life. "I helped grandpa at the wilderness store and did some accounting jobs here and there, but I wasn't really happy and I felt like I was spending too much time away from you."

"And then you decided to become a teacher?"

He nodded. "I realized that as much as I wanted to work with professional sports, even if it was being one of the suits in the office, I wasn't willing to spend all those hours away from you. I needed something that would allow me to be there every day. I'll admit that the first reason being a teacher came to mind was because I thought about having the summers off. Obviously you know by now your summer vacation and my summer vacation are very different.

"I spent a lot of time talking to Mr. Feeny and getting his advice in determining if it was the best choice for me. And the rest is history."

"You gave up your dream of working in sports for me?"

"I didn't give anything up," Cory reassured his daughter. "I traded the sports dream for an even better one. I always wanted a family. To me, that's the ultimate dream."

Riley was feeling overwhelmed after listening to all of these negative stories about her parents. It was especially difficult to ignore the fact that their troubles seemed to start when she came along. "I'm sure there's more to tell, but could we skip ahead and get to where you get back together?"

The couple smiled at each other. Perhaps they had shared a little too much too soon in an effort to make up for years of secrecy and over-protection. "Sure. Like I said, we saw mom almost every weekend and talked to her just about every night so we were always in contact. A lot of those nights- especially in the beginning, our conversations revolved around you, but we never stopped talking. You were always our main priority and we knew that you needed two parents who were at least civil to each other."

"For once timing was on our side. Not long after I graduated law school your dad completed his necessary education and training to begin teaching and you were the right age for us to start thinking about three year old preschools. It was natural for our family to reunite, at least geographically. You and dad got an apartment near me. We had dinner and movie nights and made sure we spent as much time as possible with you. Things were just easier. We didn't have the stresses of school and we were both settled and knew what would make us happy as individuals. I think part of what caused the distance between us was that we got so used to thinking of ourselves solely as part of a couple and lost sight of who we were without the other person. That's not healthy. "

"As time went on we would leave you with a sitter sometimes and go out to dinner just us. It was never anything fancy. Most of the time it was just getting a burger and talking about our days."

"But what made you decide to get back together?"

"Honey, just like there was no grand, defining moment that led to our separation, the reunion seemed to be just as gradual. A lot of little things happened along the way. Then one evening we were sitting with you and watching a movie before putting you to bed and we just looked at each other and just…we knew." Topanga smiled. "We were done fixing ourselves and were ready to be Cory and Topanga again."

"Just like that you were in love again?"

"We never stopped being in love. It just got clouded and misplaced for a little bit. That's why we were never able to go through with a divorce. We still loved each other."

"Did you renew your vows?"

"No. We thought about it, but we decided we didn't need another wedding to tell each other how we felt. We already knew."

"Instead we did something better."

"What?"

"We decided to get rid of the his and hers' apartments and look for a home for our family- the home we're in right now." Cory wrapped his arm around his wife. "So, you see, what we did was a lot better than spending money on a frivolous second wedding: we came home."

Riley looked back and forth between her parents. She could tell from the expressions on their faces that they were expecting her to be happy and full of hugs. But she didn't feel happy. She wasn't happy at all. She never should've gone digging around in that box. "Can I go to bed?"

"Um…sure, if you want."

"Yeah, I do."

"What's-"

"Goodnight," Topanga said, interrupting Cory. It was clear Riley had had enough for one night. "We'll see you in the morning."

He watched as she disappeared down the hall without giving them another look. "Why did you do that? We need to talk to her and find out what she's thinking."

"This was a lot of information to take in all in one night."

"I just hope we did the right thing in telling her. Maybe we should've waited a year or two…or ten!"

Topanga rolled her eyes, but she was worried about Riley's reaction as well. Before she left the room she stared at her parents as though she was looking at two strangers. "Just give her some time. She'll come around," she said. The only thing was she was no longer sure who she was trying to convince- Cory or herself.


	3. Chapter 3

**I posted chapters 2 and 3 together. If you haven't read chapter 2 yet, this may not make sense. :-)  
**

* * *

Topanga rolled over and looked at the time, sighing when she saw that it wasn't even one in the morning. Dozing off for more than a few minutes at a time seemed impossible, as she still felt unsettled after the conversation with Riley earlier. She didn't need to wonder how Cory was sleeping. The snores coming from the other side of the bed answered that question. After tossing and turning for a couple more minutes Topanga gave up and got out of bed. This was the kind of night that called for ice cream- lots and lots of ice cream.

On her way to the kitchen she took a peek in at Auggie. She smiled and shook her head when she saw him spread out in the middle of his bed, arms and legs everywhere, with his pillows and blankets long since knocked to the floor. He had always been a very active sleeper. She covered him with a light blanket, careful not to wake him, and tiptoed out of the room.

As she continued down the hall Topanga spied a light coming from under her daughter's bedroom door. She debated momentarily whether or not to check on her or give her some space, but something inside of her- mother's instinct perhaps- said that space was the last thing Riley needed right now. She gave a courtesy knock before opening the door. "Riley?" She spotted the teen scrambling to get into her bed from the window seat. "Relax. You're not in trouble."

She stared at her mother with wide eyes before hesitantly sitting back down in front of her window. "Really? Even though it's so late?"

"I promise." She closed the door and came further into the room, choosing to sit at the foot of Riley's bed. "It's not a school night and I'm sure you probably have a lot on your mind."

"Maybe a little bit"

"Anything you want to talk about?" A shrug and mumbled gibberish was her answer. "I didn't quite catch that."

"I don't know. It's weird to know that the way you've always thought of your family was wrong."

"How is it wrong? You have two parents who love each other and love you. That has never changed."

"You and dad almost got divorced."

"Almost, Riley, _almost_. I know people like to say almost doesn't count, but think in our case it counts for a heck of a lot, don't you?"

"I guess so."

"Would it help if I told you I understand how you feel?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know Oma Rhi and Papa Jed are divorced and that they got divorced when I was in college."

"Yeah."

"I didn't-I didn't exactly take it well. I broke up with dad and called off our engagement. I had based everything I thought I knew about relationships and love on my parents and I was terrified of ending up like them. They had done such a good job of hiding their problems and acting disgustingly perfect around me that the only argument I ever saw them have was over who loved whom more. Eventually I came to my senses, but for a while my entire world felt off kilter."

"I know what you mean," Riley remarked with more than a little bit of sarcasm in her voice.

"Excuse me?"

"You and dad have been acting perfect for years. How is that any different than what Oma and Papa did to you?"

Topanga tried to think of a way to spin it, but even with years of legal expertise and having to come up with ways to get around sketchy activities, couldn't wiggle her way out of this. She'd done the same thing she resented her parents for doing to her. "It's not any different."

"Then why did you guys do it to me?"

"Honestly, it never occurred to me that we were treating you the same way by isolating you from what happened. I think we felt guilty. At least I know I did. And I suppose that guilt manifested in this desire to create this illusion of perfection, a world where nothing bad could ever touch you again."

"What did you feel guilty about?"

"It was such an emotional roller coaster back then. As I said earlier, it wasn't how I expected to begin parenthood. It wasn't what I wanted for the first years of your life. We were shuttling you back and forth between here and Philadelphia. We tried to remain civil and keep a degree of consistency, but it was so hard. I wanted better for you."

Riley took a few deep breaths, trying to work up the nerve to ask the question that had been on her mind for most of the night.

Topanga seemed to sense her daughter's internal struggle. "What is it, honey?"

She shook her head and blinked back the tears that suddenly clouded her vision. "It's nothing."

"It's obviously something," she said, getting up and moving to sit at the window as well. "You know I'm always here to talk about whatever is on your mind."

"Was I…do you…"

"What is it?"

"If you could change anything, would you," she asked, staring directly at her mom. "Do you regret the way your life has turned out?"

"Do I-" She slid over and pulled Riley into a tight hug. "Is that what's keeping you up? You think dad and I regret you?"

"I don't know," she mumbled. "A lot of things seemed to change for people when I was born, most of it not good."

"Do not, for one moment ever doubt that you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. No, I don't regret you. I could never regret you. And I know dad feels the same way."

"And you wouldn't change anything?"

Topanga sighed. That was, by far, a more complicated question to answer. "To be honest, if I could change a few things, I might."

She pulled back a little, not expecting that answer. "Really, what?"

"Please remember that this is not a reflection on you and has everything to do with me and what I dealing with."

"You're scaring me a little bit."

"If I could've been promised by the gods, the fates, or whoever controls things out there, that I would end up with you- the exact same Riley Matthews as you are right now- I probably would've waited until dad and I were a little older and had our lives more together before we had you."

"Oh." She tried to pull away, but her mother practically had her in a bear hug. "Mom, let go."

"No, not until you understand what I'm saying."

"Why can't you be like dad and say you wouldn't change a thing and that stuff is perfect just the way it is right now?"

"I was under the impression that you were over hearing things watered down to the point where even Auggie knows its lame," Topanga countered. "Was I wrong?" Riley shook her head. "Okay then."

"So why would you have waited to have me?"

"It's not because of you, but it would've been _for_ you."

"I don't get it."

"I wasn't a very good mother to you in the beginning." She choked back the lump in her throat. It was hard to admit this out loud. She never had before. "I feel like you got whatever I had left to give instead of me at my very best. If having you a little later in life could've changed that, I'd do it." Her voice wavered as she continued, but she maintained her composure. "That's it. That's my regret. You didn't get the mother that you deserved, the one I wanted to be for you. And I'm sorry for that."

Riley had never seen her mother display this level of vulnerability before. She had always been in complete control of her emotions. It was almost unnerving. Her parents weren't perfect. She'd certainly gotten a crash course in that tonight. "Maybe it was rocky at first, but I still think I got a pretty great mom out of it. And believe me. I've seen some of the other moms out there. No comparison. I win."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Really."

Topanga sighed in relief and held her tight. "Thank you. You know, you're pretty great, too."

"Like mother, like daughter, right?"

She smiled and brushed Riley's hair out of her face. Out of parental habit she leaned over and grabbed a comb from the dresser and began to slowly work it through some of the small knots in her daughter's long, dark hair. "In your case it's always been a little more like father, like daughter, but I'd like to think I had something to do with how amazing you are."

"I can do a hair toss better than anybody," the girl said. "That didn't come from dad."

"Definitely not," she agreed with a laugh. "You know, I've always been a little jealous of you guys."

"Of me and dad? Why?"

"You have always been so close and bonded and had such a great relationship. It became strained a bit once he started teaching you, but you are still thick as thieves. I know that bond came from him having custody in those early years. I saw you almost every weekend and we talked on the phone just about every night, even long before you could talk back," she continued as she absentmindedly braided Riley's hair, "but he was there every day. He was your safety net. If you were scared or upset you ran to him. Even after we got back together it was always, 'Daddy, daddy, daddy.' I would do if he wasn't around, but you are daddy's little girl in every way."

"I'm sorry."

"There's nothing for you to apologize for. I'm the one who-"

"Mom, if I don't have to apologize then neither do you. You've done enough of that tonight."

She wasn't sure that was true, but whispered, "Thank you."

"Can I confess something now?"

"Sure.

"I've always been jealous of you and Auggie."

The braid slipped from Topanga's fingers just as she was securing it with a ponytail holder. "You have? Why?"

"Pretty much for the same reason you're jealous of me and dad. You just always seem to spend so much time with him and are obsessed with whatever he's doing. I don't really remember a lot about you and dad being separated, but I do remember you working a lot and that most of my early memories are just dad and me. Things make more sense now that I know the whole story, but sometimes it seems like we get different versions of you guys, like I'm dad's and Auggie's yours'."

Parental guilt weighed heavily on her. It was soul crushing and made it almost impossible to breathe. She'd love to say that she and Cory treated Riley and Auggie equally, but that simply wasn't true. "You're right. Things were different when Auggie came along. Dad and I were older, wiser, and went overboard to ensure Auggie's baby years weren't like yours'. We tried to learn from the mistakes we made."

"Is that why you took so much time off after he was born?"

"Yes. I didn't get to enjoy that stage with you and I regretted it. In hindsight I think I was exhibiting some subtle symptoms of postpartum depression or even postpartum anxiety. But even when you were born it wasn't talked about much. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Auggie that the doctor gave me information about what to watch for. That's when what I went through with you started to make some sense. I suppose I thought of Auggie as a chance at a do over, which I now realize wasn't fair to either one of you."

"What about the working part time from home now?"

"I'm trying to be there for the both of you. I want to be there for you, Riley. I know how scary and exciting it is to be a thirteen year old girl. I want to be a part of that journey with you, not just feel like I'm watching it on the sidelines." Until tonight she hadn't realized how deep the chasm that still existed in their relationship was and she was determined to fix it. "I want you to let me in."

"I want you there, too. I'll try."

She offered a small smile. "That's all I can ask." She looked at the clock and was surprised to see it was now nearing two o'clock. "I don't know about you, but I'm still not tired."

"Me either."

"Follow me." Without another word Topanga got up and headed for the door.

"Mom, where are we going?"

"You'll see."

/

A minute later Riley stood beside her mother in front of their open freezer, more confused than ever. "Is this some sort of mother/daughter, facts of life, birds and bees, period, menopause, hot flashes story? If so, I get it: a freezer will fix a hot flash."

Topanga lightly pulled on her braid. "I am much too young for the word menopause to even be mentioned in this house. Got it?"

"Yeah, fine. So what are we doing?"

"Some nights call for ice cream and this is one of those nights."

Her eyes scanned the contents of the freezer, but all she could see was that healthy ice cream mom ate. "No thanks, I'd rather go to bed than eat your soy stuff. Or is it tofu?"

She took the carton out of the freezer and set it on the table before turning around to face her daughter. "What I'm about to show you is a secret. You can't reveal this to anybody. Not dad, Auggie-"

"What about Maya?"

"Not even Maya."

"Okay, I'm intrigued. What is it?" Riley watched as the lid for the healthy dessert came off, but tucked inside wasn't soy or even tofu ice cream, but name brand. "That's real ice cream," she gasped as her mother pulled out a second container as if it was a nesting doll.

"Yes…yes, it is."

"All this time you've been lying to us!"

"Are you going to whine about it or are you going to get spoons?"

"So, mom," Riley began a few minutes, and a few spoonfuls of ice cream, later, "how long have you been hiding food?"

"I had to start when we first moved to New York. Seriously, I had to. I shared an apartment with your dad, Uncle Eric, and Uncle Shawn until your uncles got their own place. If I didn't hide food I would've had nothing to eat. Boys are walking, talking garbage disposals."

"Does dad know?"

"I've had the same carton of chocolate soy ice cream for 2 years, so I doubt it."

"Why are you showing me your stash?"

"I just thought it would be fun if we had our own little secret between us."

She smiled. "Yeah, it would."

The next few minutes passed in silence and before they knew it, they hit the bottom of the pint. "Oops. My consolation is that it wasn't full when we started eating."

"Like you said, this night called for ice cream."

"Riley, are you okay with everything that happened tonight? Do you have any more questions?"

"Not that I can think of right now."

"Are you okay," Topanga repeated.

"I think I will be. It's just a lot to get used to, you know? Everything I ever thought about our family turned upside down."

"The love never changed. We drifted off course for a while, but we found our way back home eventually. We always do." She caught Riley covering her face in an effort to hide a yawn. "Bed time."

"I'm not tired."

Topanga smiled at the slight whine in her voice. It was very reminiscent of the arguments she would make at age five when she was told to go to bed. "Tough. I'm the mom and I say bed." It didn't work when she was five and it wouldn't work now, at least not with her. Cory would cave and let her stay up at least another half hour. He always was a pushover where she was concerned.

Riley seemed to be having the same flashback and smiled as well. "It's not fair."

She shrugged. "Oh, well. It's something to tell a therapist later in life. Your mean, old mom made you go to bed."

"I'll take my teddy bear and run away."

"Whoever finds you would bring you right back. You talk way too much." They laughed. "I don't even know how many times we had that argument."

"Probably too many if we can recite it from memory."

"Come on. Help me hide the ice cream evidence and then bed time for both of us."

"Mom," she started, distracting herself by rinsing the spoons in the sink, "this might sound kind of silly, but…"

"What is it, honey?"

"Would you sit with me until I fall asleep?"

Topanga wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple. "Of course I will. You never have to feel silly about asking that."

"I'm not too old?"

"If you want me to come sit with you when you're seventy, all you have to do is call me and I'll be there as fast as my walker will take me."

"But when I'm seventy you'll be-"

"I'll always be there when you need me to be, okay? I love you."

She nodded. "I love you, too."

/

Cory wasn't surprised to wake up alone the following morning. After all, Topanga was an early riser by nature and it was almost nine by the time he woke up. It was when he couldn't find her in the common areas of their apartment that he grew concerned. Her keys and purse were still on the table by the front door so he knew she had to be home. Auggie was parked in front of the TV watching Saturday morning cartoons and said he hadn't seen his mother yet.

While on his way back to the room he shared with his wife he realized that Riley's bedroom door was still closed. That was also odd. Like her mother, Riley was also an early riser and he had expected her to already be awake and chattering away with Maya about the events of last night. Instead silence greeted him. He took a chance and knocked softly. When he received no response he opened the door, wincing as it creaked. Once inside he smiled at what he found: mother and daughter were both curled up in the girl's bed. Riley's head was resting on Topanga's shoulder the same way it would when she was a young child. She somehow looked older, as if it suddenly hit him just how much she was growing up. Topanga was right. She wasn't a little girl anymore. Sooner or later he was going to have to face it…whether he wanted to or not.

Cory backed out of the room and closed the door. He and Auggie would go out for breakfast this morning.


End file.
